With grateful thanks to K, E, R, and Mum for ideas, PR (and Ro) for number 98, and Sir Terry Pratchett for number 7.

Edited umpteen times because a) LJ still hates me, and b) I can't count.
 

1.                  Umbrella duels

2.                  Become a Nanny

3.                  Use it as a sword

4.                  Go up chimneys

5.                  Stick it in your tote

6.                  Understand it

7.                  Stand on top of a hill in a thunderstorm wearing wet armour, holding your umbrella and shouting ‘All gods are bastards!’

8.                  Use it to frighten ducks

9.                  Use it as an Arc for one

10.               ‘Avast, ye scurvy slow-moving pedestrian.’ *poke poke* ‘Hie thee hence!’

11.               Get the point

12.               Umbrella hats!

13.               Urban streetscape wind-surfing champs (perfect for Chicago and Wellington)

14.               Keep it CLOSED in wind

15.               Spike litter

16.               Store soft toys in it

17.               Grow seedlings in it

18.               Keep fish in it

19.               Keep laundry in it

20.               Herd cats

21.               Prod cattle

22.               Hold it low over your head in a tightly-packed crowd. Hey, the Recession’s had a negative impact on optometrists, too – someone’s got to provide custom for them.

23.               Use it as a crutch

24.               Wave it in the air

25.               Devise an umbrella salute

26.               Salute whatever the latest ‘stand-and-be-counted’ fad is, be it moro bars, electricity, or KiwiBank

27.               ‘Tidy up’ using a deftly-wielded umbrella, while staying cosy and comfortable in bed

28.               Frighten small children with automatic umbrellas

29.               Break it

30.               Attempt to fix it

31.               Stomp on it

32.               Throw it out

33.               Shish kebab!

34.               Use it as a toboggan

35.               Use it to stop tobogganing

36.               Sunshade

37.               Pose as an Edwardian Heiress at a garden party

38.               Library shelves too tall? Never fear, the umbrella’s here!

39.               Twirl it

40.               Sit underneath it – inside

41.               Invoke bad luck

42.               Use it as a Moses basket

43.               Use it to avoid awkward!eye contact

44.               Use it to remain (temporarily) unaware of oncoming traffic

45.               Paddling pool!

46.               Use it to display the art of some painter you’d never heard of before

47.               Play limbo

48.               Use it to collect apples

49.               A handy way to ‘accidentally’ smash ugly ornaments

50.               Make a propeller

51.               Disappear behind it

52.               Create a melancholy baby

53.               Be Britney

54.               Be Rihanna

55.               Be Jo March and Professor Bauer

56.               Conduct a moving and dramatic film scene underneath it. Pick a scene – any scene.

57.               Conduct an orchestra

58.               Conduct a choir

59.               Conduct lightning

60.               Don’t use it

61.               Use it as a softball bat

62.               Use it to draw ‘HELP’ signs in the sand

63.               Use it to draw your name in the sand

64.               Use it to draw your name and another in the sand

65.               Use it to draw hearts in the sand

66.               Knock down cobwebs

67.               Knock down prized heirlooms

68.               Knock down passersby

69.               Use it as a giant soup ladle

70.               Use it as a giant ice-cream cone

71.               Use it as a giant lockpick

72.               Use it as a giant toothpick

73.               Waltz on the beach underneath it

74.               Don’t give your butler one

75.               Gatecrash a Vettori painting

76.               Gatecrash a Renoir painting

77.               Use it for balance whilst tight-rope walking

78.               Use it as a ballroom dancing prop

79.               Tap-dance

80.               Jazz-dance

81.               Rain-dance

82.               Handy when you can’t find the remote control

83.               Use it for photography lighting

84.               Use it in photographer fighting

85.               Mount a flag on it

86.               Mount a hill with it

87.               Mount it on the wall

88.               This season’s new take on the sword-stick

89.               Use it as a back-scratcher

90.               Use it to direct traffic

91.               Ski-poles

92.               Spare tent-pole

93.               Spare tent

94.               Use it to open magical doorways

95.               Let opium-addled caterpillars recline on it

96.               Use it to punctuate large sentences

97.               Use it as a parachute

98.               Reprobate  use a) turn into the Stick of Insanity. 

99.               Reprobate use b) spin in the middle of the street in the middle of Piccadilly when choosing    between Starbucks, Costa, Cafe Nero and Starbucks

100.           Collect rainwater in it

101.           Stand underneath it in the rain